Contradictions
by babydykecate
Summary: Femslash. Casey/Olivia. Follow up to Blinded. Casey's then-boyfriend Charlie attacked her. Casey struggles with her conflicting emotions. *Warning: Deals with Domestic Abuse and Rape*
1. Chapter 1

Warnings: Descriptions of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.  
Spoilers: Blinded.  
Disclaimer: I don't own SVU. No profit made. No infringement intended.

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...

Casey hasn't stopped walking since she left Saul in lockup. Their last words keep haunting her-

"Maybe one day you can forgive yourself when you realize it wasn't your fault."

"Wasn't it?"

She can't stop the tidal waves of thoughts, so she keeps walking. All she could think about is how bloody complicated it is to be human. How we can be these living contradictions of good and evil, innocence and guilt, love and hate. Just as she can't see Saul as completely evil, she can't reconcile how much she loved her ex-fiancé Charlie and yet left him. She wanted to only see the good, the future they could have had. But it wasn't all good. Some of it was very bad. And she couldn't let herself hate him, even just a little. She couldn't let herself blame him.

She knows she should go home to Olivia- she's probably worried- but she doesn't want to face her. But after half an hour, it's getting dark and she's exhausted, so she has to.

As she unlocks the apartment door, she takes a deep breath, and then steps inside. Olivia is sitting on the couch waiting for her. She looks tired and regretful. Casey doesn't say anything, so Olivia doesn't either. She just gets up and heads to the bedroom. They undress in silence. As they lay down on the bed, they are careful not to touch each other. It is almost unbearably quiet as they wait for sleep to take them. It hurts not to say, "I love you" like they always do before bed. Olivia's breath slows and gets deeper. Casey hates that- trying to fall asleep when the other person already has. It makes her feel that despite being so close to Olivia, she's really all alone.

Casey starts to fall into a light sleep, the kind where your thoughts start to turn into disturbing dreams. You drift in and out, and you're not sure what is and isn't real.

"Where is he now, Casey? Your schitzo ex-boyfriend? Is he locked up somewhere?" Olivia's voice echoes as Charlie appears, walking down the street. Casey reaches for him, and he collapses, his body decomposing in front of Casey. "I'm so sorry. It was all my fault," she cries as she shakes Charlie's lifeless body.

Olivia has woken up to Casey's thrashing limbs and mumbling. She's trying to wake her, but it's not doing any good.

In Casey's dream Olivia is now there in front of her, just like earlier today. Olivia is yelling and talking about Charlie, and Casey slaps her. At first she's shocked she did it, but then she lets go of the words inside her that threaten to devour her. "How the hell can you go around protecting Elliot at all costs, when I'm your girlfriend and you're ripping my heart out? I trusted you with a secret and you fucking betrayed me, you used it against me. I don't think I'll ever be able to fucking trust you again. I almost hate loving you as much as I hated loving Charlie," Casey growls in her dream.

Casey mumbles the same words aloud while she dreams. It is just as she stops yelling in her dream that Olivia manages to wake her up.

It's while she's coming from the dream to reality that Casey asks Olivia, "How could you?" as hot angry tears run down her face.

Olivia pulls Casey into her arms. "I'm so sorry Casey. I really am," Olivia murmurs sincerely. "Shhh. Sushhh. It's ok now. I'm so sorry. I should never have betrayed your trust. Please forgive me."

Casey can't manage words. She just keeps crying in Olivia's arms. Olivia gently pulls both of them back under the covers, and holds Casey tightly in her arms. Casey listens to Olivia's heartbeat to relax and fall asleep again. Olivia whispers, "I love you" ever so softly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Thanks for all your lovely reviews. I'm sorry that this is such a terribly late update. Parts of this fic are a little personal, and it's been hard to get them out on paper.

* * *

Charlie is in Casey's every thought, every dream. He surrounds her, consumes her. She had so carefully suppressed the memories of him. Even when that case brought him back to her thoughts and she had told Olivia about him the first time, she had made sure he was soon forgotten. But now he's back and he haunts her every second.

She tried to not let it affect her, but she's always distracted. She doesn't know how to tell Olivia, or even if she can, so she doesn't say anything. Every time she looks in a victim's eyes, she can feel a part of her die.

Casey slips out of bed early in the morning, careful not to wake Olivia. She wants to be able to take a long hot shower and avoid all the questions Olivia's eyes hold. As she strips off her clothes, her eyes land on a scar. A narrow white line along her hip, it's so pale that she doubts Olivia ever noticed it. She runs her fingers along it, feeling the delicacy of the skin. As she looks at herself in the mirror, she remembers the other scars. She finds the one above her eyebrow, the one next to her lip. As her fingers trace the one on her inner thigh, she begins to cry. She crumples to a ball on the floor. She tries so hard to stifle the sobs, that they overpower her. She can't catch her breath. Just as she's starting to panic, she hears the door open.

"Casey? What happened? What's wrong baby?" Olivia asks, her voice wrought with concern. When Casey doesn't respond, Olivia gently pulls Casey into her arms.

"Sshh… it's okay Casey, I've got you. You're safe sweetheart," Olivia whispers soothingly as she rubs Casey's back in circles.

Casey tries to listen to Olivia, but she's still having difficulties breathing. She can't calm down because the lack of air is starting to make her dizzy and the world hazy. Her heart thuds inside her chest. She can't stop thinking about the scars, the original wounds, the fight… Charlie. Charlie yelling, smashing, grabbing… The more memories, the harder it is to breathe. She's gasping for air. It hurts to breathe. Her body starts to tingle, fighting numbness.

It scares Olivia to see Casey like this. It's not that she's never seen anyone have a panic attack before, she's seen, and helped with plenty on the job. What's scary to think of what Casey could have gone through that would cause her to be hyperventilating in Olivia's arms. But Olivia doesn't have time to worry about that now. Right now, she needs to calm down Casey before she passes out. Olivia gently turns Casey to face her, looking into Casey's eyes.

"Casey, I need you to breathe with me. Listen to my breathing…"

Casey's eyes focus on her. "Good girl, Case. Now I need you to take a deep breath with me. Breathe in…"

Olivia takes a deep breath, and Casey takes as deep a breath as she can.

"And out…." Olivia exhales, and so does Casey.

"You're doing great, sweetheart. Come on, breathe in again…. And out… Once more, deep breathe in… and out…" Olivia continues to breathe with Casey until her breathing starts to return to normal.

Olivia holds Casey close, stoking her hair.

Casey is silent for a while. A few minutes later she turns in Olivia's arms to face he

"Charlie haunts me, Liv. He haunts me everyday," Casey rasps.

"Oh Casey," Olivia sighs and hugs her.

Casey pulls away from Olivia. She grabs a towel, suddenly aware of how exposed she is. She curls up in the corner of bathroom, trying to make herself as small as possible.

"I knew Charlie was schizophrenic, but I never thought he'd be capable of…." Casey struggles to get the words out, "Of hurting me. I… I loved him, so I always forgave him for getting angry and throwing things. But after- I don't… I don't think I ever forgave him for that night," Casey says, her eyes hazed over, and her voice distant.

As her eyes fill with tears, she turns to meet Olivia in the eye. "What kind of person does that make me? That I never completely forgave the man I loved, a man who was mentally ill? It wasn't his fault! He couldn't help it! And… it was my choice, my choice not to let the cops prosecute when he attacked me. If there was anyone to blame, it was me!"Casey cries, her voice riddled with guilt.

Olivia slowly inches closer to Casey, catching Casey's eyes again with hers.

"Casey, how could it be your fault? You were only trying to help him," Olivia says softly.

"I should have made him get help. I should have forced him to take his meds, to see a doctor… I could have done better. I could have saved him…"

"You did everything you could Casey. You even risked your career for him. I know you loved him Case. You did more than anyone could ever ask for."

"I kicked him out Olivia. I fucking kicked him out on the street!" Casey says, starting to cry again.

"Only because you had to. I'll bet you had a good reason Case," Olivia lays her hand on the ground close to Casey, letting Casey know she's there for her.

"It wasn't a good reason at all! I kicked him out because I was afraid of him…" Casey starts to rock back and forth slightly.

Casey's movements scare Olivia. She's afraid that Casey might have another panic attack. Olivia moves toward Casey and softly puts her hand on Casey's arm.

"Casey, honey, why were you afraid him?"

Casey shakes her head and rocks faster.

Now Olivia knows that this is serious, and she needs to get through to Casey. Olivia puts both hands on Casey's shoulder, and talks to her in a calm, firm voice.

"Casey, you're safe right now. I've got you. Why were you afraid of Charlie, Case?"

Casey stops rocking, and there's silence. Casey looks at Olivia and reminds herself how brave Olivia is. She can be brave too. She has to.

"It started that night. It was the first time he'd hit me… but, but that wasn't the only thing he did…"

Olivia rubs Casey's arms, "Umhmm?"

"He wanted me. He wanted sex. I didn't want him. He was my boyfriend, and I loved him… but he scared me, and I didn't want him touching me until he was calm… I said no. I shouldn't have said no to anything when he was like that- he wasn't in his right state of mind. He got angry, started hitting me, scratching me… he tore my clothes off. He had me pinned. I couldn't calm him down, I couldn't…" Casey starts to hyperventilate again.

Olivia puts her hand under Casey's chin and forces Casey to look at her. "That was rape honey," she says softly, her heart breaking.

"But he wasn't on his meds… and I loved him and…" Casey says franticly.

"He still violated you. You had every right to feel scared, every right to kick him out. Even if he wasn't mentally competent, it doesn't change the fact that he raped you," Olivia says, hoping Casey will realize that it's true.

"I didn't tell the cops… I wanted to help Charlie. I still loved him… And I didn't want anyone to know he'd hurt me- I was supposed to take care of him. But after a month of lying in bed in fear, afraid he'd do it again. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think about anything except him pinning me on the cold floor… He hit me one last time… The next day, I'd locked him out, and changed the lock. Don't you see? It's my fault he died like that. Alone. It's all my fault…"

Olivia pulls Casey into her arms. "No, it isn't Casey. None of it's your fault. You did nothing wrong. He didn't have the right to rape you, to hit you. No one ever does," Olivia says with conviction. As Olivia holds Casey tight, she whispers, "You're safe now. He can't hurt you, and if I have anything to say about, no one else ever will either. I've got you, Case. You're safe."

Casey shifts to look at Olivia. "He raped me?" Casey asks softly, the words feeling weird on her tongue.

"Yes honey," Olivia replies tenderly.

"You don't think any less of me? You don't think I'm weak, or…?"

"Casey! Of course not. Remember who you're talking to?"

"But your mother was weak. She drunk- She hit you."

"Maybe she was, but maybe it was more than just being raped. Maybe she always had the possibility to be alcoholic and abusive. But you're not weak Casey. You're a strong, confident, amazing woman. I know you have the strength to deal with this. And I'm here. I love you so much Casey."

"I love you too Olivia," Casey says with a soft smile. She kisses Olivia, then snuggles into the safety of Olivia's arms.


	3. Chapter 3

Trauma is a strange thing. It's not like a cold, when you're sick for a while, but after a week or two of runny noses it's gone. Colds are easy, predictable. Trauma is a sickness that ebbs and follows, its intensity constantly fluctuating. There are days when laughter is easy, and pain is so distant a memory, it seems to be just a bad dream. Then there are days when it pulls you under, memories eating at your soul.

Today is the soul crushing kind. It's Saturday, and all Casey feels like doing is lying in bed, allowing her thoughts to fester. Olivia was called to a case, only leaving with Casey's insistence that she was fine.

Casey is sprawled on the bed, watching the clouds roll by their window, upside down. The clouds are dark, heavy with rain and Casey hopes for a storm. Storms are the perfect time for angst, the crackle of thunder a perfect enabler for a darkened soul.

Casey allows the pain to rush over her, Charlie filling her thoughts. She thinks it would be easier if he were a monster she could hate. Then she could unleash the anger she feels at herself on him. It would be easier if there were no happy moments- no love, no details. She doesn't want to remember what tea he loved, or the sound of his laugh. If he were just the man that raped her, not the man she also loved, then she could just hate him. Then her heart wouldn't be twisted and scratched, pulled in too many directions.

If only last night hadn't happened. It wasn't fair that Olivia's loving hands had become Charlie's rough ones in her mind. They had been making love, when suddenly his hands replaced Olivia's. He had invaded _their bed _and Casey was pissed. She wanted to be able to make love to her girlfriend without flashbacks and fear. She had finally found his wonderful woman who would rather die than ever hurt her in that way and he had to ruin it. It wasn't fucking fair at all.

Olivia had been patient and gentle, trying to comfort her, but Casey had to make Charlie's hands disappear, even if that meant that Olivia's couldn't hug her.

Casey left Olivia alone in bed, retreating to balcony, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. The cold wind bit at her face, but at least it served as a distraction. Casey was terrified that she'd made Olivia feel like she had assaulted her. Olivia was so paranoid about her genes in the first place; Casey could only imagine the dark place Olivia went to when Casey started to react like was being raped.

Casey curls up in the bed, pleading for the uncomfortable feeling she desperately wants to run from to pass. She wants a dreamless sleep that will take her away from all of this.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia sits at her desk, her thumb scratching her finger absentmindedly. Once again her thoughts return to last night, when she accidentally triggered Casey. She feels stupid for considering making love in the first place, when it should have been obvious to her that Casey needed more time. Still, Casey had been eager at first, with demanding words whispered in Olivia's ear. Olivia had tried to be careful, hyperaware of how she touched and spoke to Casey. It was hard for Olivia to know what might trigger Casey since she still hadn't shared the details with Olivia. Olivia knew that even if she did, Casey still couldn't predict every trigger. Sex was a minefield, and Olivia felt like idiot for crossing it.

Olivia finally gets up, trying to remain casual as she walks through the precinct. Once she reaches the wall of brochures, she swiftly grabs several written for the partners of survivors, hoping she hasn't drawn any attention to herself. As she makes her way back to her desk she finds herself studying her partner at his desk. Once the shock of Casey struggling in her arms had worn off, after the agonizing moments in which she recoiled, her hands letting go of Casey like she'd just been burned by her skin, Olivia had known that it was a conversation she needed to have with Elliot. It was impossible to deny the panic that had run through her veins, her guilt cemented when she was unable to comfort Casey. Olivia knew that until she'd asked Casey's permission, she had no right to tell Elliot that Casey had been raped, more or less the other issues that arose from it. She dreads even bringing up the topic of telling someone else, but she knows she desperately needs to talk to someone about last night, and that person can't be Casey.

A few hours later Olivia has finally finished all of the day's paperwork, and she can at last go home to Casey. On her way home she picks up takeaway from Casey's favourite Italian restaurant and swings by the video store.

…

Casey gives Olivia a small smile when she sees the food and a bigger one once she sees the movie choices.

"_Separate But Equal, To Kill a Mockingbird _and _Witness for the Prosecution_? Olivia Benson, you'd think you were a detective or something. I practically wore my library's VHS versions of these out in my teens," Casey tells Olivia with a grin.

"Casey Novak, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: nothing you ever say about your high school self surprises me, and yet it continues to make you seem more adorable," Olivia says with a laugh.

Casey simply nods knowingly.

As Olivia grabs the plates and pours their drinks, Casey puts _Separate But Equal_ into the DVD player. Olivia finishes bringing everything into the living room, Casey presses play and takes her seat next to Olivia. Not long after they've both finished eating Casey leans her head against Olivia's shoulder, and Olivia hesitantly takes her hand.

"Casey, would you be okay with me talking to Elliot about my own emotions and issues with your rape? I totally understand if you don't want him to know, but I do think I need to talk to someone. I could see a counselor if you'd rather keep your privacy," Olivia asks during a slower part of the film.

Casey is silent for a moment, and Olivia is terrified that she's upset her.

"I'm okay with you telling Elliot, as long as he understands I'm not ready for other people at work to know yet," Casey finally responds.

"I'll make sure he respects that," Olivia says, squeezing Casey's hand.

Both of them are silent for a while.

"Casey? I also picked up some brochures today at work, the ones for the partners of survivors. I'm very familiar with a lot of it from work, but I've never been on this side of it, you know?" Olivia says softly.

"Me either," Casey replies with a mirthless chuckle.

"I mean, I know some things from growing up with my mother, but I'd really like to get my facts straight and try to understand better how to deal with it," Olivia continues.

"I think that's a good idea, really," Casey replies more gently. "I know you're trying really hard, and I do appreciate it."

Olivia moves her arm to draw Casey closer and Casey wraps her arm around Olivia's waist, curling into her. They stay like this until the credits roll and Olivia realizes Casey has fallen asleep. Olivia carefully leans up to grab the blanket from the sofa's arm, covers both their bodies with the blanket and leans back down to sleep with Casey curled against her.


	5. Chapter 5

The teenager with sharp blue eyes and brown hair in wisps that frame her face lingers in precinct hallway, watching the detective intently. Biting her lip she finally enters the precinct and approaches her.

"Are you a police officer?" she asks, trying to keep her voice strong and clear.

Olivia looks up, studying the teen.

"I am, would you like to see my badge?" Olivia asks with a smile.

"You, um, you investigate things like rape, right?" the teen continues, not responding to Olivia's offer.

"I do," Olivia replies, her face growing serious. "Do you have something you'd like to report?"

"And you handle a fair amount of date rapes?" the teen interrupts, her questioning growing more insistent.

"We do. In fact, the majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows," Olivia responds, sensing that she should keep her tone conversational to help the teen explain the situation.

The girl looks directly at Olivia for a second, her blue eyes revealing that this surprises her. She then looks down, biting her lip again.

"What about women? Do you prosecute many women who rape?" She asks, keeping her eyes fixed on the ground.

"Well, less rapes by women are reported, but yes, we have prosecuted female rapists," Olivia replies.

"Ones that raped women?" The teen can't help her voice from dropping in volume.

Olivia pauses.

"No, we haven't prosecuted any female-on-female acquaintance rapes yet," Olivia replies after a moment.

The teen's next words come out in a rush, as desperate to remain unheard as they are to be heard.

"If a girl, if she was date- date-raped by another woman, she should just go home and forget about it, right?" Her tone indicates that she almost wishes the answer were yes.

"No," Olivia says firmly, catching the blue eyes that snap up to look at hers.

"She shouldn't just forget about it," Olivia adds more gently. "She should talk about, and see if someone could help her."

Olivia gives the teen a look of understanding, silently acknowledging that she knows exactly who "the girl" is.

"How about we go somewhere private to talk? There's an interview room this way," Olivia says with a soft smile, leading the teen down the hall.

…

The teen keeps her eyes fixed on the worn surface of the table, her body tense against her chair. Olivia returns a few minutes later with a notepad and a tape recorder, sitting down across from the teen.

"My name is Detective Olivia Benson. Can you tell me your name?" Olivia asks with a soft smile.

"Emily. Emily Williams," she says softly.

"Okay, Emily, I'm going to need to ask you some questions, and they're going to be recorded. Now, you can either have me ask you the questions by myself, you can have my partner Elliot ask you questions by himself, or can have both of us present. It just depends which makes you feel most comfortable," Olivia tells her.

Emily hesitates, then replies quietly, "Um, just you?".

"Sure," Olivia replies giving her a smile. "Now, Emily, I'm going to turn on the tape recorder. I want you to just try to relax and talk to me, okay?"

"Alright," Emily replies, looking up to show Olivia her bravest face.

"Can you please state your full name?"

"Emily Anne Williams."

"Please state your age and birth date."

"I'm 18. I was born on December 5th, 1992."

"Emily, can you please tell me what happened?"

"I think, um, I think I was date raped. By a woman, " Emily says, her voice breaking despite her efforts to remain calm.

"Emily?" Olivia asks, giving the teen a chance to focus on just looking at her.

"Emily, when did this happen?" Olivia asks gently.

"Yesterday," Emily says softly.

"Have you showered yet?" Olivia asks.

The teen only shakes her head, biting her lip.

"Have you changed your clothing?"

Emily nods. "I- I hid them in a bag in my closet."

"Okay, Emily, we're going to put this interview on hold, because I need you to go to the hospital to get checked out."

Emily's hand grips the chair so hard that her knuckles turn white.

"I'll be there the whole time, okay?" Olivia says gently. "Do you want to hold my hand?"

Emily hesitantly lets go of the chair and takes Olivia's hand.


	6. Chapter 6

For the next hour, Emily only focuses on holding Olivia's hand. She allows herself to worry about if she's holding on too tight, or if her palm is too sweaty. What she doesn't allow herself to think about is the cold air hitting her legs, or whose hands are touching her thighs. She grips Olivia's hand, and then loosens her fingers, afraid she'll upset Olivia.

"You're doing great sweetheart," Olivia says softly, squeezing her hand. Emily shuts her eyes again.

…..

Emily finds herself once again in the chair, her fingers gripping the metal, her eyes studying the movement of the tape.

"What happened yesterday?" Olivia asks, placing a cup of water in front of Emily.

Emily takes a long drink, grateful for an excuse for her silence.

"I was so stupid," she admits, the words choked out before she finishes swallowing.

"Why don't you just start at the beginning?" Olivia prods gently.

Emily closes her eyes for a moment, trying to find a peace, a stillness, within her so that she can think clearly.

"There's this girl. I've sort of seen her around a couple times, but you know, we weren't really friends. I kinda got the impression she was interested in me, but I'd never really been that interested in her. Well, yesterday, she invited me to her dorm at NYU to watch movies. If you remember, it was snowing, and everyone just felt like being indoors. I don't know why I said yes. I was just feeling kind of lonely, you know? My dad's divorced, and sometimes he stays over night at his girlfriend's, so I just didn't really want to be alone last night. I didn't- I didn't mean to make her think- I swear to God I just wanted to be friends-" Emily explains, her panicked voice interrupted by slight gasps as she fails to breathe normally.

"Emily, can you try to take a deep breath for me?" Olivia interrupts.

Emily nods, trying to follow Olivia's directions.

"That's great. How about another deep breath?" Olivia encourages.

Emily's breathing gradually returns to normal.

"Okay Emily, so you decided to go to her dorm to watch movies?" Olivia asks once she thinks Emily seems to be sufficiently calmed down.

Emily nods.

"Were you alone?" Olivia asks.

"We saw a lot of people on the way up, I talked to her roommates for a few minutes before they left for a party."

"So after that, it was just you and her in the dorm room?"

Emily nods, biting her lip.

"So what happened after her roommates left?"

"She locked the door. She said that we didn't want someone to interrupt the movie. It made me very nervous, but I didn't know what to say," Emily says, her face red with shame.

"She scared you?" Olivia asks gently.

"Yes," Emily says quietly.

"Why?" Olivia prods.

"I um, get scared in situations where I can't get away easily. I don't like being alone with people I don't know, and I don't like doors being locked. I um, I had some problems with a boy one time. We were playing hide and seek when he locked me in the closet with him, and put his hands-," Emily trails off, blushing furiously.

Olivia waits for a moment to see if she can finish without Olivia asking her to.

"He put his hands under my dress. Under my underwear," Emily says in a small, tight voice. "I told her, the girl from yesterday, about what happened with the boy. She told me about a boy in elementary school who did something similar to her. I thought I could trust her. I didn't think someone who'd been hurt like me would-"

"-Emily," Olivia interrupts, sensing Emily might hyperventilate again. "Emily, you had every reason to think you could trust her. I need to look at me, and try to keep taking deep breaths."

Emily does as Olivia says, her blue eyes darting around the room before focusing on Olivia.

"So she locked the door, what happened after that?" Olivia says gently.

"She put on the movie. It wasn't very good, so we just talked and laughed, you know? The conversation turned kind of serious, and that's when I told her about that boy," Emily says softly.

"What happened after that?" Olivia prompts.

"After she told me about her experience, things got awkwardly quiet. We went back to watching the movie for a bit. I was busy hating the main character when she- she kissed me. I was surprised. For a second I was frozen, and then I gently pushed her off me. I said something like, 'Thanks, but no"", Emily says, looking at Olivia to see how she'll respond.

Olivia stays silent, and Emily sees kindness in her eyes.

"Then she kissed me again, harder. She grabbed my hands when I tried to push her off. One of her hands tried to pin my hands behind me while the other one- it- she put her hand under my dress. Under my panties. I turned my head roughly to the side, freeing my mouth from hers. I said no, I didn't want to. I told her I was a virgin. That I wanted to stay a virgin. I pleaded with her to not- touch me," Emily tells Olivia, trembling slightly.

Olivia reaches her hand across the table, leaving it up to Emily if she wants to take it. Emily hesitantly does, holding tightly as she makes herself get out the next words.

"She just- she wasn't listening. She just kept saying how much she wanted me. How-" Emily's eyes flutter as she blushes. Olivia squeezes her hand.

"-Wet," Emily says very quietly, "I made her."

Emily takes a deep breath.

"She pulled down my panties. I was really scared. I wasn't really screaming, just whimpering, but when her hand went to cover my mouth I bit her. She- she slapped me across the face. She said if I kept struggling that she'd hurt me worse than I could imagine. I didn't- I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to die. Right there, so she couldn't do anything to me, so I wouldn't be there anymore. So whatever she did to me wouldn't be because I failed," Emily says, her eyes squeezed shut, her hand limp in Olivia's.

Olivia lets go of her hand, and in that moment Emily is convinced that it really is all her fault. Every other voice in her head screaming that she didn't want it goes silent. Then Emily feels Olivia's hand gently touching her arm.

"Emily, you didn't do anything wrong, I promise you. You didn't fail at all. You told her no, that was all you needed to do," Olivia says softly as Emily opens her eyes to look at her.

Emily nods, her eyes doubtful yet also hopeful.

Olivia pulls her chair next to Emily's.

"I know this is really hard, but I need you to tell me what happened next," Olivia tells her.

"She put her fingers-" Emily sighs, and takes another deep breath, "- Inside me. She wasn't gentle. It hurt. After she'd- pushed her fingers inside of me for a while, she stopped. I thought it was over. Then she moved her head- down there. Again I pleaded with her not to. I was scared of STDs and I just, I wanted her to stop touching me. She grabbed my arm and twisted- not so much that it would break, but enough that I couldn't move without pain. She finally let go, and then I let her-" Emily breaks off as tears start to run down her face, her whole body shaking.

"Okay, Emily, I think you told us enough for today," Olivia says firmly. "Emily? Are you ok?" Olivia asks when the teen doesn't stop shaking.

Emily isn't fully aware of what she's doing as she launches herself into Olivia's arms, and she's immediately embarrassed once she realizes what she's done. After clinging to Olivia for a moment, Emily stiffens, and pulls back. Olivia rubs her back gently, with a mantra of comforting whispers.


	7. Chapter 7

Emily sits in Casey Novak's office, her legs hugged to her chest, her gaze focused on a piece of paint peeling by the window. Casey rests her head in her hand on the desk beside her, trying not to sigh audibly. Trial Prep had been rough on both of them.

Casey couldn't explain why, but this case was hitting her the hardest since her revelation to Olivia. Perhaps it was the look in the girl's eyes, already prepared for disappointment; or maybe it was the invisible massive weight upon her that Casey could sense in every moment Emily made, as guilt sat heavy on her shoulders. Olivia had been a Godsend, not asking too many questions, yet always there for her. It still couldn't change the fact that after every time Casey met with Emily she felt like punching the wall though. Casey hadn't been prepared for the anger she felt well up inside her. She hadn't known what to do with it. She still didn't know.

"Emily," Casey said softly, pulling the girl from her haze.

Emily's eyes slowly moved to fix on Casey, and from them Casey could sense the utter exhaustion mixed with a hint of wariness within them.

"I was wondering if you had someone you wanted to sit in the court room, someone supporting you through out the trial?" Casey finally ventured to ask.

Confusion flickers in the girl's eyes.

"I didn't-, I-I don't want my parents there, if that's what you mean," Emily replies, hugging her legs tighter.

"No, I didn't mean them necessarily," Casey adds quickly.

"I can't- I can't let them listen to all those things- I couldn't handle them knowing what she did," Emily continues, her voice tight.

"Emily, that's fine, of course they don't have to be there if you don't want," Casey says firmly yet gently, trying to turn the girl away from an idea that obviously frightens her.

Emily's head drops slightly against her knees.

"I didn't want them to ever know, but eventually it was too much of a secret to keep. It hurt to keep it, hurt to know and say nothing. Burned inside of me like an evil thought to confess," Emily murmurs, almost as though only to herself.

Casey bites her lip, almost wishing that everything the girl just said didn't make perfect sense to her.

"My dad- my dad was angry, angry at me for not telling, angry at the girl. He wanted to hurt her, make her pay. I didn't- I didn't know what to say," Emily continues, the words fading into a moment of dark reflection.

Casey remains silent, captivated by the girl's words, despite her concern for her welfare. For a moment they both sit in silence, consumed by their own thoughts.

Then Emily breaks the silence.

"I hate it," she says quietly and bitterly, her voice an angry scratch into the pristine lie of peaceful silence.

Casey turns to look at her, unsure what she's talking about.

"-That response," Emily adds, her voice gaining in volume. "Someone admits they were raped, and the first thing anyone wants to do is go beat up the rapist."

Her next words are whispered, but still forceful, "Fucking great," and then she returns to her slowly raising volume, "Gee, thanks. I'm really glad you have all that anger, but what the fuck about me? How can you want to leave the person who just told you they were raped, and take out your anger issues on a fight that isn't even yours. I mean, I get that you're acting out some evolutionary cave man response, and I should be all flattered that you want to protect me, but I'm not. If you want to protect me, you fucking stay here, with me. You ask me how I am, if I'm alright. You wait for me to tell you what I can manage. But you don't get to be angry for me, that anger's mine. I get to keep that anger, wait until I'm strong enough, until I can finally own that anger. Until it stops controlling me, stops trying to eat me alive."

Casey has watched the girl intently through out her rant, and she now meets her eyes for a moment.

"You're right," Casey says, and for a moment Emily almost sees what Casey can't say.

The anger is as suddenly gone as it appeared, and Emily slumps back into her chair.

"My mom- my mom just claimed she knew already. I don't know how. I didn't tell her. Maybe she read my diary. Maybe it was a lie. I don't even care anymore. She never brought it up again. It's as if it never happened. I let her deny it, ignore it, forget it. It's not my secret anymore. I gave it away. Set it free. In that house at least," Emily tells Casey.

Casey can only nod. They both sit in silence again, needing that comfort of nothingness.

Finally Casey speaks. "I actually meant- I don't know, maybe a friend, or a counselor?"

Emily looks up, surprised. Quiet.

"Have you called any of the numbers Olivia gave you?" Casey asks gently, knowing that Olivia would have suggested a number of crisis centers and counselors.

Emily shakes her head, looking a bit embarrassed as she bites her lip.

"How do you feel about talking to someone one else about it, maybe a professional?" Casey asks.

Emily shrugs, "I don't know".

"What about maybe a meeting for survivors? Do you think you'd be able to do that?" Casey suggests.

"Yeah, maybe," Emily says, her arms tightly crossed against her chest.

After a moment of silence, Emily finally admits, "I'm- I'm scared to", her eyes not leaving the floor.

Casey bites the bullet, and says exactly the thing she's terrified to say, exactly the thing she wants desperately to say.

"I could come with you."

Emily's head shoots up. Her eyes are practically sparkling, a hint of life after the dead of winter.

"I'd, I'd really like that," she says softly.

"Ok," Casey says, giving her a small smile.


End file.
